WHERE ARE THEY NOW: THE PLASTIC BAG FROM “AMERICAN BEAUTY”

-->

INTRO – Scene from “AMERICAN BEAUTY” with PLASTIC BAG as INTRO MUSIC PLAYS.  INTRO FADE DOWN.

VO (TERRY over MONTAGE)

We all remember it: the scene from American Beauty where a white plastic grocery bag, caught by a gust of wind, is captured on videotape.  It was the bag that captured us all and reminded us that there is so much beauty in the world, sometimes we can barely take it…that our hearts…might cave in.

Since that time, The American Beauty Plastic Bag has made uncredited appearances in a slew of other movies, TV shows, and commercials, but none quite as iconic as the one in American Beauty.  I'm Terry Masters with "Now Where Are They?" and live in our studio is The American Beauty Plastic Bag.

MONTAGE: various movies, TV shows, and commercials in which glimpses of a plastic bag can be seen.  Some may even need to be circled in red to highlight where the bag is in the scene.

TERRY sits across from BAG.

TERRY

How are you?

BAG is silent.

TERRY

It's good to see you.  So...you're in the new Jennifer Aniston movie.  Must be nice to be back out there on the big screen...

BAG is silent.

TERRY
(looks off camera for a moment, presumably to his director)

Aaaaaaand from what I understand, you're playing a biodegradable bag from an organic grocery store...

BAG is silent.

TERRY
 ...being carried by Jennifer Aniston in “Wanderlust.”  Well, as amazing as your role in “American Beauty” was, I don’t think anyone can deny this is an exciting return...

BAG is silent.

TERRY

(looks off camera for a moment, to the director)
I...I don't....  So..... How does it feel to be looking back on “American Beauty” now, fifteen years later?

BAG is silent.

TERRY

Alright...that's it...I can't...this is stupid...this is...I got NOTHIN'...  look..... Let's cut through the crap, here, okay?  I wanna talk to you.  We all know about the divorce, we know incredibly hard it's been on you, and how hard it's been on your kids... a lotta pain...  but you inspire people...  people love you...

BAG seems to lean to the left of its own accord.

TERRY

Don't look over there, look at me...

BAG turns its "face" back to INTERVIEWER.

TERRY

People love you.... what's goin' on in there?  Hm?  What's going on inside you right now?

BAG
(quietly)
Um.....well.....it's a wonderful film....

TERRY

We don't need to talk about the film.  It's just you and I, here.  It's okay.

BAG

*Sigh* There's...a lotta pain, you know...

TERRY

Mm-hm.  Go on...


BAG

It's just...there was a lot of drugs for a while and...I just needed to get away and...just feel something, you know?

TERRY

Something real.

BAG

Something real.  Yeah.  Something real.

TERRY

What else happened?  During that time, during the divorce...

BAG
I just...wasn't being the man I wanted to be...not at all.  Not a husband, not a father just...  I kept being what other people wanted me to be, but I couldn't find my way through it all.  I felt trapped.

TERRY
(lighting a cigarette, then offering the pack to BAG)
It was just too much.

BAG
(taking a cigarette)
There was so much money, and so many pills, and everyone kept wanting me to "be" something but I couldn't do it anymore... 

TERRY(lighting the cigarette)

You just wanted someone to look at you and say "You're more than a bag on a screen."

BAG
(pauses to take a long drag)
I'm more than a bag on a screen.  Yeah...I'd look at my kids and they'd look at me like "What kind of man are you?  I don't care you're a star."

TERRY
Because that doesn't matter to them.

BAG
Doesn't matter...doesn't matter.  They just......they just wanna know, you know.

TERRY
They just want to be loved.

BAG
Yeah.  They just want to be loved.  They just want "Daddy."  I'm sorry...

TERRY
(placing a hand on the BAG's "shoulder")
It's okay.  Just let it out.  Just let it all out.

BAG(stubbing out the cigarette)

I must look pretty stupid... just some idiot blubbering all over the TV screen...

TERRY
(handing BAG a tissue)
No, no, no.

BAG
(blowing its "nose")
Oh god.... I must look like a mess.

TERRY
You look like a great actor who isn't afraid to be who he is and go after what he wants.

BAG
Yeah, well.  So, there's "Wanderlust."

TERRY
So there's "Wanderlust."  Yes, indeed.

BAG
Thank you.

TERRY
Thank you.  It's been an honor.  (TO THE AUDIENCE) The Bag is back in the new hit Romantic Comedy “Wanderlust.”  Be sure not to miss it.  Opens in theaters October 21^st!

CAMERA PANS OUT showing TERRY and BAG speaking informally.

FADE TO montage of Seinfeld, King of Queens, global warming documentaries where plastic bags are involved, and of course the iconic scene from “American Beauty” as CREDITS and OUTRO plays out.

END 

PROFLEX OFFICE CIRCUIT!

INT. Open on OFFICE DUDE at a cubicle in business-casual grabbing the paunch around his waist.

VO

Has THIS ever happened to you?  You want to work out but don’t have time for costly gym memberships or exercise equipment?   Are you tired of failed diet schemes that are costing you tons of money?  Are your co-workers noticing your weight gain and going out of their way to point it out to you?

ANNOYED WORKER at another cube across the room has obviously printed something at the printer near OFFICE DUDE and gets up from his desk to retrieve it.

ANNOYED

No.  That’s alright.  I’ll get it.  You just sit there and look like...THAT.

VO

Then try to the new “Proflex Office Circuit” program from “Proflex”!  The “Proflex Office Circuit” is a revolutionary new fitness program developed especially for people who are out of shape and work in an office.  Our patented “Proflex” technique utilizes all aspects of your workday to achieve maximum fitness by repeating everyday motions to burn off just a few calories per minute throughout your workday.  That can mean hundreds of calories per hour and thousands of calories per work week!

As the VO continues, OFFICE DUDE acts out each of the descriptions in the montage.

VO

An ordinary stapler becomes an isometric tricep builder!

This desk drawer becomes a nautilus rowing machine!

Dropped your pen?  Turn it into a series of squat-lunges!

Are you on the phone all day?  Well get ready to do some heavy-lifting!

OFFICE DUDE sits at his desk, picks up his phone to answer it says “can I put you on hold?” places the receiver down, picks it up, says “Hello.” again, asks “Can I put you on hold?” again, places the receiver down, picks it up, says “Hello?” again and repeats as his co-worker stares at him.  There is another CO-WORKER in the background spinning around in her office chair from one direction to the other to pick up a cup of coffee over and over again.

VO 
In fact, so many of your every day activities are aerobic, fat-burning and high-intensity toning exercises just waiting to happen!  With the advanced “Proflex” technique you can unleash your hidden fitness beast in no time!  Time to get that raise AND raise that heart rate!  Boring meeting?  Not so fast!  Gotta deadline to meet?

OFFICE DUDE places coffee filter in coffee machine twelve times in a row as co-workers stare at him in the background, holding coffee mugs and looking pissed.

OFFICE DUDE is conducting a meeting and writes the exact same phrase on the white board fifteen times.  Co-workers stare at him, confused, worried.

OFFICE DUDE removes a stack of paper from the printer, straightens it, puts it back, picks it up, straightens it again, puts it back, straightens it again, as a CO-WORKER stands next to him looking perplexed.  Finally…

CO-WORKER

(snatching papers from his hand and storming off)

Just gimme the report!  Jesus!

VO

Simply order this 32 DVD set today and learn how to maximize your time and energy throughout the workweek.  “Proflex Office Circuit” is yours for the one-time -

CUT TO shot of two co-workers, MAN and WOMAN as they react to OFFICE DUDE.  The VO is suddenly absent and has been replaced with the sound of OFFICE DUDE muttering to himself.

OFFICE DUDE
" -   low, low price of $459.99 if you order today.  You’ll see results in minutes!  Spending time in the bathroom?  Burn those calories fast and strengthen your quads!"


MAN(quietly to WOMAN)

Jesus.  What the hell happened to Peter?

WOMAN
He thinks he's living in fitness commercial.

CUT TO over-the-shoulder POV of MAN and WOMAN to see PETER vigorously opening and closing the drawer to file cabinet at his cubicle.

WOMAN
He had a major breakdown, like, a month ago.

MAN
That is so disturbing.

BACK to MAN and WOMAN.

WOMAN
His quads sure look great though.

MAN
Better than yours.

WOMAN
(disgusted)
You can go fuck yourself.

BACK to OFFICE DUDE flipping each individual page of a legal pad one at a time, back and forth, back and forth, as he talks to himself.

(OFFICE DUDE stands up in the stall, pulls his pants up, and sits down, stands up, sits down)

PETER"You’ll see results in minutes!  Having a clumsy day?  Burn those calories the “Proflex” way!  Pick yourself up and NEVER dust yourself off!  Ever forget why you walked into a room?"

FADE OUT.

END

BRITISH INTRIGUE FAMILY OF MISTRUST: EPISODE 13, THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

The NARRATOR, his or her voice narrating at a rapid clip, charged with intrigue, gives a taste of what tonight’s program entails.  The title of the show “BRITISH INTRIGUE FAMILY OF MISTRUST” in bold white lettering FADES IN against a black background, then FADES OUT.

As the NARRATOR speaks…

CUT TO THE FAMILY, oozing with aristocracy.  LEOPOLD (an impeccably dressed, mustachioed gentlemen in his 30’s) stands beside his son NATHANIEL (10-years-old, also well-dressed and mustachioed).  NATHANIEL is seated at the head of a long, ornate, antique dining room table.  A massive white birthday cake, adorned with 10 unlit birthday candles, sits in front of him.  GRACE (wearing a luxurious dress, in her 30’s) stands several paces behind LEOPOLD, stock still, staring at his back.  Their Butler, LEMMINGS, stands about mid-way down the massive table as if he has stopped in mid-stride.  He is carrying a silver tray complete with crisp, white napkins and gleaming silver utensils.  Another couple, ABIGAIL and DRESDEN, are standing off to the side of the table, each holding a glass of champagne.  There are no chairs at the table other than the one NATHANIEL sits in.  Long shafts of grey sunlight streak across the room, the drapes on the windows so dark, and so heavy, that it seems they might collapse the walls of the mansion.

Every single line of dialogue spoken by the BRITISH INTRIGUE FAMILY OF MISTRUST is delivered as if it is a veiled threat or a means of tricking someone into confessing a murder.  Only ABIGAIL and DRESDEN speak without pretense, doing their best to enjoy themselves despite the tension.  Need I mention everyone speaks in a British dialect?

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

Tonight, on “British Intrigue Family of Mistrust,” Leopold throws their son Nathaniel a birthday party.  Grace has prepared the cake.  Leopold, the candles for the cake.  Nathaniel appears excited about his birthday party...or IS he?   The guests have arrived.  The candles on the cake are about to be lit.

LEOPOLD

Grace, I believe it’s time to sing Happy Birthday to our son.

GRACE

Yes, but shouldn’t we light the candles, Leopold?

LEOPOLD

Of course, Grace, but I believe you’ve left the matches in the kitchen.  We’ll need them to light the candles on Nathaniel’s cake.

GRACE

No need for matches, Leopold.  I believe you still have the cigarette lighter.

LEOPOLD

Now why would I have the cigarette lighter, Grace, when you know I quit smoking?

GRACE

Oh, have you?

LEOPOLD

Yes, of course.  Have you?

GRACE

Of course, Leopold.  You know I never liked to smoke.

NATHANIEL

Lovely birthday, Father.  Did you make the cake?

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

Leopold admits that he has made the cake, but has done so using Grace’s recipe.  The guests are enjoying their drinks, but grow anxious for the celebration to proceed. Lemmings, the butler, cannot cut and serve the cake until they sing “Happy Birthday” to Nathaniel.  The candles on the cake are still unlit.

LEMMINGS

Sir, shall we sing a song in celebration of Nathaniel’s birthday today?

LEOPOLD

Yes, Lemmings, but what song shall we sing?

ABIGAIL

(cheerily)

“Happy Birthday”!  Why, everyone knows that song!  Shall we have a song, then?

LEOPOLD

Of course, Abigail.  Let’s have a song.  A nice “Birthday Song,” if you will.  Grace, would you mind starting us off?

GRACE

I believe we’ll need Nathaniel to make a wish first.  Isn’t that right Nathaniel?

NATHANIEL

Yes, Mother.  I would very much like to make a wish.  Father, have you any suggestions for a wish?

LEOPOLD

Yes, I have.

LEMMINGS

Unless I’m mistaken, sir, I believe the song must come first.  THEN the wish.

LEOPOLD

No harm in wishing first.  Don’t you think so, Nathaniel?

NATHANIEL

Yes, Father.  Mother, would you like to hear my wish?

GRACE

I would, Nathaniel.  However, the wish must be kept a secret…or the wish won’t come true.

LEOPOLD

Oh, I’m quite certain this one will come true.  Don’t you think so, Lemmings?

LEMMINGS

It will, sir.  It will.  Unless, of course, Master Nathan doesn’t blow all of the candles out.

NATHANIEL

Oh, they’ll be blown out, Lemmings.  All…of the candles will be blown out.

ABIGAIL

(oblivious)

Oh, come on, then!  Let’s have a song, shall we?

DRESDEN

(hushed voice)

Abigail, please!

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

Nathaniel agrees to keep his wish a secret.  Lemmings awaits the singing of song to cut the cake.  The guests offer to light the candles, but Grace is having none of it.  Leopold asks Grace again for the matches.  Abigail insists that everyone should sing a song.  The song remains unsung.  The candles on the cake remain unlit.

DRESDEN

So, I understand that your family has lived here for some time.  Is that right?

LEOPOLD

Yes, a very long time.  Or not very long at all.  In fact, Mr. Dresden, it’s all a matter of perspective.  Don’t you think it’s a matter of one’s own perspective?

DRESDEN

(smiling, a bit uncomfortably)

Well, yes.  Yes, I suppose it is.  And considering that my wife Abigail and I are delighted to be your neighbors and have accepted the invitation to celebrate your son’s birthday it doesn’t seem very long at all.

ABIGAIL

Yes, we love parties!  They simply make the time fly by!

LEOPOLD

Grace and I seem to think the time is flying by, don’t we Grace?

GRACE

Yes, there are many things to be done and so little time.

ABIGAIL

Oh, there’s certainly no need to rush now is there?

DRESDEN

Abigail!

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

Leopold insists that the time is flying by.  Abigail seems to think there is no rush.  Grace suggests that the time to celebrate the party may be running out.  Dresden and his wife struggle to apprehend what they cannot yet divine.

LEMMINGS

Not so hasty, Mr. Dresden.  Abigail is right.  After all, time is just a matter of perspective.

LEOPOLD

Speaking of perspective, Lemmings, perhaps you could help us with the lighting of the candles?

NATHANIEL

Yes, why don’t we light the candles so that we can cut the cake?

LEMMINGS

Now, now, Master Nathan.  Let’s not be hasty.  I think we ALL know there’s a song to be sung first.

LEOPOLD

Yes, Nathaniel.  We can’t cut the cake until we sing.  However, we can’t SING until we light the candles.  Isn’t that right, Grace?

ABIGAIL

(disconcerted)

Why isn’t anyone smiling?

 

DRESDEN
ABIGAIL, SHUT UP!

LEOPOLD

(to ABIGAIL)

Lemmings, we don’t want our guests to feel less than festive at Nathaniel’s Birthday Party now do we?  Let’s get them another drink.

ABIGAIL

(nervously)

Oh, I already have my drink, thank you!  My glass is barely –

LEOPOLD

Nonsense, Abigail.  Don’t be BASHFUL.  There are plenty of drinks to go around.

GRACE

Yes, there are plenty of drinks to go around.  Lemmings, will you please get Abigail another drink?

LEMMINGS

Of course, Madam.  That is, if you don’t mind Master Nathan’s Birthday Song being one…voice…short.

ABIGAIL

Hold me, Dresden!  I’m frightened!

DRESDEN

For God's sake, someone start smiling!

 

LEOPOLD

Yes, we wouldn’t want the song to be short by one voice, now would we?  That’s hardly keeping in the spirit.  Nathaniel, don’t you want Lemmings present during your Birthday Song?

NATHANIEL

Oh, I don’t mind either way, Father.  But I think we can all agree that Lemmings IS ….QUITE….THE SINGER.

DRESDEN

(making a bee-line for the door)

We'd best be going!

THE ENTIRE FAMILY

NO!

LEOPOLD

No.  Please.  Stay.  We were just about to sing Nathaniel’s Happy Birthday Song.  In fact…I’ll start us off.

Each of the FAMILY MEMBERS looks around at one another with a sense of alarm.  Only LEOPOLD remains steadfast and calm.  Something dangerous is about to go down.

LEOPOLD

(backing away from the table)

I’ll start us off…and as I sing…we call alllllllll chime in.  And as we chime in…one of us…in this room….will light the candles on the cake.  And by the time we’re FINISHED SINGING….all…of the candles…will be lit.  Are we all in agreement? 

No one answers.

LEOPOLD

Alright, then.  I’ll START.

LEOPOLD turns away from the cake to face GRACE.  His eyes bore into her soul.  He sings loudly, forcefully.

LEOPOLD

Hap-py Birth-day to you!  Hap-py Birth-day to you!  Hap-py Birth-day dear Nay-than!

As he sings, GRACE chimes in.  She breaks from LEOPOLD’s gaze and moves behind NATHANIEL, who remains seated in front of his unlit cake.  She places her hands gently, menacingly on his shoulders, and stares at the back of his head.

GRACE

Hap-py Birth-day dear Nay-than!  Hap-py Birth-day to you!

LEMMINGS chimes in.  He walks toward ABIGAIL and DRESDEN, singing to them as if it is the only thing stopping him from killing them with his bare hands.  ABIGAIL begins to cry as she sings.

DRESDEN

(to all family members)

WHY ARE YOU SINGING LIKE THAT?  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?  WHAT HAVE WE EVER DONE TO YOU?  WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!  WHY?!  WHY?!!

NARRATOR

(V.O.)

The Birthday Song is being sung.  But who will finally light the candles?  Without the candles lit, Nathaniel knows his wish will never come true.  Or even if the candles were lit, there is no guarantee of his blowing them out!  Another cherished memory hangs in the balance, another hour struggles to unfold, another guest seeks an elusive sense of festivity TONIGHT…on BRITISH INTRIGUE FAMILY OF MISTRUST.

END